Hilarious courtroom confessions

Objection, your honor!

Hilarious courtroom confessions
Hilarious courtroom confessions

A courtroom is usually saturated with a serious atmosphere, but it isn’t safe from epic fails (often caused by someone on the stand) that can affect a lawyer’s disposition and even cost them a win. On the other hand, these little slip-ups are often instrumental in revealing the truth, proving that karma sometimes comes in the form of self-service.

While these catastrophic moments can be detrimental to the trial, they do sometimes make for hilarious courtroom confessions that we can all laugh at after the fact. From people accidentally admitting to their crimes to getting entangled in their own web of lies; it’s all here. We have some courtroom drama coming up right now, your honor.

#1 The truth and nothing but the truth

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“First jury trial, pretty serious charges. I’m cross-examining the alleged victim, and in answering my question she says, “Oh yeah, I lie all the time!” Needless to say, I won that trial.” – captroper

Well, that was an easy win! The good news is that this attorney didn’t even have to work hard for it, yet justice was served on a plate.

#2 Implied guilty plea

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“I represented a guy who stole three trucks from his work. Only two were recovered before trial. He showed up to a motion hearing in the third one.” – Jeffbx

Some people may be good at theft, but that doesn’t mean they’re good at hiding the goods they stole. *Facepalm*

#3 Raise your hand for attendance

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“Story from a friend of mine – he was defending a guy in court, don’t remember what he was charged with.

The main witness for the prosecution was on the stand, and was asked if she could identify the defendant. She was scanning the courtroom & seemed confused – my friend was already silently celebrating because if she couldn’t identify him, he could probably get all charged dropped.

As he was mentally adding this case to the ‘win’ file, he happened to glance over at his client, who had just helpfully raised his hand to make it easier for her to identify him.

Even the judge facepalmed on that one.” – Jeffbx 

Someone, please brief this guy on how cross-examination works, because, that isn’t it. He might as well just cuff himself, put on a jumpsuit, and walk into jail willingly.

#4 Please demonstrate what you cannot do

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“A lawyer I used to know was in court on a work injury case. The judge asked his client “Just what is the nature of your injury?”. His client replied “I can’t raise my arm this high any more”, while she raised her arm up to show just how high she couldn’t raise it.” – Jeffbx

Is this what people mean when they say “fake it ’till you make it”? Because it appears that she didn’t make it at all; not one bit. Luckily, some people are terrible liars.

#5 Thank you for your candor

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“Not me but my former law partner. She was in court representing a client, I think in a hearing for a restraining order against her soon-to-be-ex-husband. Our client was telling the judge that when they met to exchange the children for visitation, the ex had kicked her. He immediately angrily shouted ‘she can’t prove it, I didn’t leave a mark!’ Thanks, buddy!” – DaniKnowsBest

This guy is stupid honest. Like we said earlier, karma sometimes comes in the form of self-service. So, please form an orderly line, villains. There’s enough karma for everyone at this buffet.

#6 Suit serendipity   

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“So my father in law had arrested someone for breaking and entering. During his arraignment, the judge stopped for a moment and asked the defendant where he got his suit from. It turns out that the defendant was also responsible for a previously unsolved break-in at the judge’s home and had shown up wearing one of the judge’s stolen suits.” – DaniKnowsBest

The judge called; he wants his suit back.

#7 Repeat offender

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“Person I was representing was on trial for Assault in the Third Degree and DUI. In my state, A3 means you’ve assaulted an aid worker or police officer and is a felony. The allegations are that he was very verbally abusive to the officers and, at one point, kicked one in the face.

We’re sitting at the defendant’s table and the officer is testifying about the statements my guy made to him, including some pretty horrific name-calling. Out of nowhere, my client screams ‘You’re a f**king liar! F**k you, you son of a bi**h!!!’

We lost that trial.” – BirdLaw458

Well, someone needs to wash their mouth with anti-sceptic soap…

#8 Outfit repeater

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“Not my case but still my favorite story. Dude screwed himself over when he went to jury trial for a burglary charge and wore the same, distinct sweatshirt he wore the night he committed the crime. Kind of hard to argue the guy in the video isn’t your client at that point. Needless to say he was convicted and spent a few years in DOC.” – Seinfeldologist

Aside from his face being visible on the footage, he made his point extra clear by re-wearing the outfit. We would like to thank this guy for unknowingly owning up to his crime. That must be a very memorable sweatshirt for you.

#9 Falsification of documents

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“I was at a hearing arguing that my client was wrongfully terminated because the employer failed to abide by the proper procedures. During the hearing, a witness for the employer tried to offer documents that were fraudulently altered in order to make it look like the proper procedure was followed. I noticed the alteration. opposing counsel quickly got that witness out of the room, and after a quick adjournment, my client got a large settlement.” – mincerray

Falsification of documents is a serious offense, so we’re celebrating the fact that this case was resolved in favor of the truth. If you like editing files so much, just go and learn Photoshop –  it’s legal.

#10 Caught in a lie

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“My dad is a lawyer. He had a person come in, and he couldn’t walk because of some “injury” at work. At the time, my dad was skeptical so he hired a psychologist to do an examination on him, and she found out that something COULD be wrong, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Jump to next week, my dad ends up with a video in his hands of the person WALKING down their driveway to take out the trash. Busted. So my dad called them and told them “hey come on in, we have a breakthrough in your case, and you can get some money for your injury.” So the guy comes to his office, and he leaves him sitting in the lobby for almost an hour because my dad knows this guy is a scumbag just trying to get money over nothing (which makes lawyers look bad). So then my dad calls him into the meeting room, and plays the video.” – caffe1nated  (Text edited for brevity)

Alex, play “Lie” by BTS‘ Jimin back to back with “Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem and Rihanna, because this guy needs some soundtracks while he walks out of there without his “injury”.

#11 Chauvinistic fail

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“Before trial, I was trying to convince my client to give his ex-wife $200 in child support monthly while he was looking for a job (he had a job but he was paid under the table for the exact reason of him not wanting to pay for child support), I tried to explain to him that if we go into the courtroom without an agreement between him and his ex, the amount the judge will impose him would probably be a lot higher, he kept saying he couldn’t pay that much because he was jobless and poor, after fighting with him about how the judge won’t care about this and how he should be a decent parent and take care of his kids he said to me “I should have gotten a male lawyer, women just don’t get it.” Since I was doing this for free, I just told him to f*** himself and that he was trash and left him to look for another free lawyer 20 minutes before his hearing.” – minreii

That was a mic drop and that mic landed smack dab on his face.

#12 Cat supremacy

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“Paralegal. A couple got divorced over a cat. Wife called cat Snowball because of white fur and only wanted the cat to eat wet food or chicken breast. Husband called cat Lily again because of white fur and believed it should only eat dry food. These two argued for a year over custody of the cat but did not give a shit about their human kids aged 15 months, 4 years, and 6 years old.” – sxcamaro

No wonder some cats feel superior over humans. Sorry, kids, mommy and daddy will be right with you once they finish battling it out in the courtroom over a cat. #Meow

#13 Power of mother in law

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“Heard this one while moving for deployment. Guy signs over Power of Attorney to his mother before leaving. As soon as he was out of the country mother files for divorce of her daughter-in-law / his wife because they never got along. Dude is in the middle of the desert and didn’t know he was getting a divorce until he came back three weeks after the fact.” – atombomb1945

Um, maybe you should be careful about who you trust with a Power of Attorney…

#14 Not very good with faces

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“My mom is a lawyer and there was a black woman who was accused of stealing. My mother is also black (I’m mixed) and this is how it went.

Plaintiff lawyer: please point out the accused/defendant.

Officer: Points at my mom.

Mom: I’m the lawyer, officer.

Judge: dismisses case” – Spartanfan515

Seriously, how could you not be able to identify the person you’re accusing?

#15 Saved by the bell

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“When I was around 16 I worked as a test shopper, so I’d end up in court sometimes to testify that someone had sold me cigarettes.

There was one time where a man was claiming he had sold me cigarettes because the compliance officers never tried to properly train him as a store owner. The officers told him they tried to call him several times, and he was being incredibly difficult to get a hold of. The officers even had a ridiculous amount of notes that described all the times they tried to contact him. When they pointed out all this to him, his defense turned into ‘I don’t own a phone, so it was up to them to try something else to train me.’

With absolutely perfect timing, his phone starting audibly ringing in his pocket the second he finished saying he didn’t own one.

Our side’s lawyer is now a judge, and she still says that was one of the most perfectly timed things that’s ever happened to her” – iSitDown2pee

To whoever was calling the store owner at that very moment, thank you very much for unwittingly serving justice. Your timing was divine.

#16 The one that got away

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“Not a defendant, but there was this dude in the court I interned as who went in with his friend but wore a shirt with the exact color as the ones in group trials. The bailiff mistook him for a convict and was asking him to sit down.

‘Hell naw man. I’m just here to see my friend. I ain’t got no case. He was the one who got caught. I got away.’

No. No, he didn’t get away.” – TenkoBoss 

Are some people just intentionally stupid? because if they are, then we’re glad they’re using it to turn themselves into the authorities.

#17 peanut butter custody

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“Took the couple two hours to decide who would get the groceries left in the fridge. Estimated value of the groceries was around $40. Two hours of my time, opposing counsel time, and mediator time added up to about $1,000. It all came down to a Costco/Sam’s Club sized jar of peanut butter. (Who keeps peanut butter in the fridge?!)” – ammjh

It looks like that these two just couldn’t let go of the food in the fridge just to spite each other. They clearly didn’t care about the attorney’s fee costing more than their precious $40 peanut butter.

#18 Out of state justice

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“So he is out of state on business driving though some no name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly a cop pulls him over stating that he ran a stop sign and ticketed him. My dad insisted there was not any stop sign but the cop did not listen. Pissed, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was a stop sign hidden behind a tree and twisted in the wrong direction!

Even more pissed he went to a convenience store that was in sight of the intersection and bought a disposable camera while the clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what’s up.

Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket and they were shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge and strolled out in 5 minutes scott free.” -PatientBear1 

This one’s for everyone who has ever been a victim of somebody’s abuse of power. #MicDrop

#19 Double standards

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“I once got out of a noise violation ticket. I was driving around and had my music in my car up. Cop pulls me over, gives me a ticket for the noise violation (it wasn’t even that loud- you couldn’t really hear it from outside the vehicle but my windows were down, so…).

Go to court about it. My defense was, ‘If the ice cream man can drive around blaring that creepy music, I can listen to my radio.’ Judge tried to keep a straight face but I got out of the ticket.” – OrphenZidane

Double standards apply here, but in all fairness to the ice cream man, playing deafening music from the car radio is much more annoying than the child-like melodies coming from the ice cream truck.

#20 Guilty as charged

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“I was in an accident a few years ago (other guys fault). He got a ticket for unsafe left turn, and I got a ticket because I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt.

In the section on the ticket, the cop inadvertently wrote ‘Did wear a seatbelt while operating motor vehicle’.

When I got to court, The Judge asked how I wanted to plead. I asked the Judge if I could ask a question first, and he said “Sure”. I stated ‘The ticket says I did wear my seatbelt while operating motor vehicle, and if that’s the case, I want to plead Guilty.

The Judge looks down at the ticket, and looks back at me and says ‘Case dismissed! Have a good day.’

I did!” – graboidian 

This is why you should always double-check for typos. Typos are dangerous.

#21 Man in the mirror, your honor

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“I observed a case where the plaintiff attorney played Michael Jackson’s ‘Man in the Mirror’ as his closing argument to evoke an emotional response in the jury.”-ToxicOstrich91

This is the most unique closing argument we’ve ever heard, and while Michael Jackson’s music is always a good idea, it does not apply to a trial. It was worth a shot, though…

#22 Ice cold revenge

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“Not a lawyer. Wife cheats on her husband during his frequent travels for work. She files for divorce and gets to keep the house. Months elapse and the husband is still rightfully pissed but has no recourse. Then he has an epiphany: “I wonder if she changed the password to the Nest Thermostat?” She did not.

For the next year he continues to mess with the thermostat. In the middle of summer when they’re sleeping in HIS bed, he turns the heat on to 90 degrees at 3 a.m. Middle of winter? Time to shut off the heat and hope the pipes freeze. Away on vacation? Turn the air conditioning down to 55 and let it run 24/7 for a nice surprise bill when they get home.” –aHipShrimp 

The fact that the ex-wife did not figure this out baffles us; but we’re glad she didn’t, because this type of revenge is just too cool! We hope this guy enjoys playing his own version of Sims in his ex-wife’s house.

#23 A bitch is a female dog, Susan

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“My uncle represented this guy getting a divorce from his wife of 15 years. Super toxic breakup and they split everything 50/50, even the land that the house they lived in sat upon. Well she decides to build a house right behind the other house, mind you this was a lot of land probably 200 yards separating both home sites, so that the back of the houses faced each other. The house gets built and my uncle gets a call from his client asking about the legality of a situation he had gotten himself into. Apparently his ex wife would spend a lot of time in her backyard, so he saw her all the time.

What he did was buy a female dog and name it the same name as his ex-wife. Anytime he would let his dog back in from letting her out he would yell ‘Susan you bitch! Get in here!’ He would also yell if she was peeing on the flowers, ‘Susan you bitch! Quit pissing on the flowers!’ or ‘Susan you bitch! Quit digging in the dirt!’ The ex-wife called the cops on him a couple of times, but there was nothing they could do because the dog was registered under the name of Susan, and it was in fact a bitch so there you go.”-Reddit 

Well, he isn’t wrong, you know. A female dog is a bitch and he has all the right to name her Susan. Just try not to take your anger out on your pets, okay?

#24 Plot twist

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“My friend is a lawyer and was doing a custody case about three years ago. The father (his client) walks up to him, looks him in the eye, and says:

I’ve messed up. I’ve lost my wife, I’ve lost my kids, and I’ve lost my happiness. All I’ve ever been able to do is drink and get angry, but they have been a light to me.

If you can help me get them back, it would mean the world to me. He knew that the guy was guilty of everything, and his strategy in court was to say exactly what the father did. He appealed to the jury’s humanity and, surprisingly, won. The couple are actually back together now.” -Nathan-Sharp 

This one doesn’t count as a hilarious courtroom confession, but it is quite a remarkable one. We all make mistakes (some more severe than others), but this man owned up to it, and it looks like he’s changing for the better. It took a custody case for him to have an epiphany, but we’re happy it wasn’t too late. We like happy-ever-afters.

#25 Sticky situation

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“My aunt had a case where the wife had glued all of the outdoor hoses together so he wouldnt spend more time washing his vehicle anymore. When the glue didnt work she just cut them all up. When he bought new ones she filed for divorce.”-amazinglymorgan 

Of all the shallow reasons to get a divorce, this one takes the crown.

#26 “Tibula” bone

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Anatomography, Wikimedia Commons

“Sat in on a personal injury case where the plaintiff broke their leg in an accident and had a doctor on the stand as an expert. The woman’s lawyer begins questioning the doctor about their experience with leg injuries (he was a well known orthopedic surgeon in the area).

She asks if hes ever treated a tibula fracture (the leg bones are tibia and fibula) to which he only answers “no” then she starts grilling him with questions about the tibula.

After about 6-7 questions she asks “how did you get a medical liscense and have been able to practice medicine this long if you’ve never treated a tibula fracture?” And begins a small rant about going after his credentials and those that gave it to him, to which he simply responds “there is no bone named the tibula”.

The lawyer became beet red and everyone in the room tried their best to keep from laughing including the judge.”-amazinglymorgan

It’s tibia, Karen. Tibia! Get your facts straight before you try to shame someone.

#27 Breaking, entering, and confessing

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Photo by Kindel Media from Pexels

“Someone told me this. The lawyer was describing the theft. “The footprints make it seem as though he didn’t go to the basement” And the defendant said, ‘Actually we did’.”-GriffinFlies

The face-palm power that this statement radiates is strong.

#28 Seeing double

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Photo by from Pexels

“When ever anyone mentions PI following someone for Workmans comp I always remember this story of a PI who came to court with a pile of evidence that this woman who was wheelchair bound was running around doing earrans. he shows all his stuff in court and the defense calls the persons twin sister who moved in after her accident. That who was in fact the person the PI had been stalking..”-TrueGlich 

The second-hand embarrassment is real.

#29 Prized toy collection

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“On my year abroad in the US I took a domestic relations class ran by an ex-judge who told us a few good one.

The first one was a couple who gathered their entire stuffed toy collection and split them in court, each taking turns to pick. He said they weren’t even collectibles, a lot of cheap ones you’d get at the fair.

My favorite is where both parties were both being unreasonable and not thinking of the kids. In the end, he awarded the house to the kids who would permanently live there and the parents who had joint custody would take it in turns to live there. His argument was that the kids lives should take priority. The best thing was neither party could afford to buy an additional place on their own so the couple had to rent a small flat together and also share that.

Pretty badass judge in my opinion.” – rwhite_93  

We’re heard of people battling it out for child custody, but this one is totally new.

This couple was too busy fighting over their toy collection to remember that they have children to consider. Luckily, the judge remembered and put these irrational people in their place.

#30 Point made

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“I was on the losing end of this one. I was representing a pro bono defendant who was attempting to regain custody of her children. The Family Division attorney was laying out his case to the judge for why my client wasn’t ready, and his final point was that my client had refused emotional counseling to avoid violent fits of rage that she had inflicted on her children.

On cue, my client jumps up screaming a series of foul words at the judge.

I just caught the opposing attorney’s smirk of satisfaction as I got up to usher my client out of the courtroom.”-WaLuigiIsTheRealHero (Revised for brevity)

What a way to prove a point… of the opposing party; yet, a point nonetheless.

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